Hesitation

These days I sit down to write and feel this hesitation, not really knowing where to start or what to even talk about. Yet my head is full of thoughts all day long - often too many at once.

For a while I was able to keep my mind clearer, more under control. Lately though, I’m constantly drifting into the future or replaying the past. I catch myself comparing my life to other people’s, and we all know how that goes - comparison is the thief of joy. So I need to figure out how to get back to clear thinking and actually staying present.

My job isn’t helping. It’s a big company with layers of senior management and plenty of political game-playing. Some days it genuinely feels like Game of Thrones. The constant performance is exhausting. You have to put on an act just to get through the day, and I think most people in jobs these days do the same. You can’t really say what you truly think anymore. Depending on what you say, you could get in trouble, cancelled, lose your job, or worse. So you bottle it all up and pretend you’re fine with whatever the current “allowed” way of thinking is.

Stepping back from social media has been good and bad. I spent years on Twitter basically full-time, feeling so connected to all these people. It was busy, intense, and at the time it felt real. But the truth is I never actually met most of them - maybe one or two. When you log off for a while, it’s like they just vanish. Then you come back and half of them have disappeared too. So what was it all for? In the end I had no real-life friend group to show for it. I went from feeling surrounded by “friends” to complete zero the moment I logged out.

Living so much online is dangerous like that. If you get ill or can’t even log into your accounts, all those connections are gone. None of them are showing up at your door to check on you. “Love thy neighbour” - I’m not religious, but that one makes sense. Your actual neighbour is the one who might notice when you’re not okay.

That happened to me just this week. I dropped my son at school, pulled back into the driveway, and just sat there with my head in my hands, trying to build up the energy for another day at work. My neighbour was heading out, saw me, and knocked on the car window. I opened the door, surprised, and he just said, “I know that look. Are you okay, mate?” It was such a small thing, but it really hit me. We had a quick chat, I told him work was stressful, and he shook my hand and said, “Take care of yourself. Make some time for you, don’t let it get to you.” No one from the thousands of online connections I’ve had has ever done anything like that. They can’t - they’re not here. They don’t see you. Unless you post about it, they have no idea. You basically have to stand in the street shouting, “I’m not okay, someone check on me.” In real life, people can just see.

I’m struggling at the moment, which feels weird because I was in such a good phase not long ago - clear thinking, staying present, feeling grateful. I don’t know exactly what changed. Today was sunny though, so after work I went for a cycle, found a quiet spot, sat down, and just chilled for a bit. Being properly present. I even recorded this voice note.

Maybe it’s just the weight of everything - the job, money, mortgage, kids, bills, cars, taxes, holidays, pets… all of it. I just want to stop for a moment. Pause.